Where she ends and he begins

 

Her tears fall for reasons unknown.

She is sick of seeing. Of knowing. Of understanding.

She wants to rip out her eyes, because being blind, would be better than seeing through all the lies of the superficial people she is constantly surrounded by.

If she looks at one more person, she thinks she will scream.

And it scares her.

It scares her because she knows that if she starts, she surely won’t be able to stop. Because of everything that she sees day in day out, even when she closes her eyes the images remain. It never goes away. And the worst part is, when it’s in your mind, you can’t even walk away. It never stops, like a twisted melody on repeat; she will never be able to get away.

And it only gets worse, day by day.

Minute by minute.

She hates the fact that she cannot, she simply cannot control it. There is only one person who can help her; and that too is only sometimes, but even he cannot always be there.

She loves him.

Loving him has become a part of her, as important to her nature as simply breathing, sleeping and eating. Like an internal organ she cannot live without. She lives to love him.

He is everything to her, and the only one who understands the way she feels and why she feels it.

She never thought she would find out, where she ends and he begins. She has loved him for so long, it’s hard to believe, hard to accept, and hard to even just consider that she will have to, without a doubt, let him go. Because that’s what you do when you love someone, right?

The thought of never again seeing his familiar face is tearing her apart. He is the only one who she can bear to look at, to see into, because he is the only one who is not full of lies. There is no façade when she looks at him, only a face, filled with pure love, love so pure it blinds her with its intensity.

But she knows that it will only cause him more pain. Keeping him with her, by her side, to watch her slowly deteriorating as her sickness kills her slowly from the inside out. And how could she bear to cause him pain.

She has two options.

What do I do doctor?

You will have to tell him Anya. We must put you in an institute, and soon too. It is the only way to make sure you are safe and…

It’s okay doctor, just say it – to keep other people safe too.

I- Well-

I said it’s fine doctor. I will agree to being imprisoned in your ‘institute’ if it will keep him safe.

Sometimes when she wakes up she cannot remember who she is. It is more than frightening – it is absolutely terrifying. Until she recognizes something – anything, and it reminds her, for the split seconds that she does not know, she feels like she cannot breathe, suffocating in her unknowingness, the darkness of no memory.

They told her it will never get better. Today, the news was finally given to her. They know what she has now, and there is no cure, it is genetic they say, passed down from her parents, and she cannot escape it.

She can never escape it; when she thinks about it, she cannot breathe. And she cannot stop thinking about it.

She is so tired of seeing.

And it is all in her mind – she simply cannot escape it.

And there is no escape but one.

Death.

Her second option.

And they will not allow her it.

So now she must think of her future, stuck in an asylum. She will bear the loneliness, the pain, the asphyxiating claustrophobia, if she can think of him being happy, safe, free.

She will survive, she thinks; even if she has to lock her mind up inside a memory, watching on repeat as her conscious fades away.

And even as she fades, she will love him.

Because loving him, is all she knows.

 

 

Dissimulation

 

Fighting awareness

Breaking weak ties

Hiding half truths

Where white shadows lie

 

The edge of the sword

Double the rage

Working all over

Seek a new page

 

Thoughtless control

Never learnt right

Remake the vision

Let there be light

 

To transcendent illusions

No longer bow

Brand new perception

The time is now.

 

 

The One

 

 

When it’s all over

In the end

Who can you trust

To not pretend

 

Who can you count on

To face the harsh truths

To uncover the lies

And dig up the roots

 

Who will stand beside you

As you weep for the dead

To help bury loved ones

And hold you instead

 

Who will protect you

In the middle of the night

When nightmares control you

As you scream and fight

 

Who will be there

To find a path when lost

To walk with you calmly

And help pay the bitter cost

 

Who will you call for

To save your broken soul

To shield your sanity

To help reach new goals

 

Who is your savior

To whom will you run

To help you forget

Who is the one

 

 

Dreams

 

She has escaped

into her dreams

and she endeavors

to stay it seems

into a world

of her own

making

into a place

where wishes

come true

and fairytales

exist

into a realm

of beautiful

fragile things

where leaving

is not an

option

is not a

thought

which enters

her mind

she has escaped

into her dreams

and she may never

come back it seems.

 

 

Sunshine

 

Scent of sunshine

Happy days

Little by little

Time slips away

 

Forgetting the nightmares

Frightening dreams

Calming the sanity

Not as bad as it seems

 

Blanket of silence

In a darkening shroud

So far from feeling

Emptiness so loud

 

Waiting for rainbows

After the rain

Free from restrictions

Just pull off the chains

 

Walking on sunshine

Making no sound

Finding my own way

No longer bound.

 

 

Doubt

 

Falling backwards

Through the air

Things I thought

Were never there

 

Shouting, screaming

The edges fray

I trusted you

For all those days

 

Beyond the lines

Of what’s right and true

Into grey matter

You’re falling too

 

Pushing, pulling

You should’ve stayed

Anger awakens

I’ve been betrayed

 

Walking on water

Rainbows and clouds

Once disillusioned

Now there is doubt.

 

 

On Happy Days

 

On happy days

When time was running away

I found myself in you

And thought that you were true

 

As the seconds slipped by

You showed me you were a lie

And behold in the light

I knew there was nothing right

 

Then minutes became hours

And my love for you became sour

From the bitter taste I knew

That you were fallible too

 

After years had been left behind

And I had wiped you from my mind

Only happy memories were there

Because I know once you did truly care